Pain
by Hopefullgeenie
Summary: Jac's thoughts when she finds out that Jonny was given the money she gave Paula.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys this is about Jac's thoughts when she finds out what her mother did with the money. Reviews are welcome. **

This is just great my mother has just turned up, taken a piece of my shattered heart and crushed it into millions of tiny fragments. It was all my fault, just like last time. I paid her twenty thousand pounds to stay out of both mine and my daughter, Emma's life. She then gave that to the father of my child, Jonny, to aid him in our custody battle of Emma. Jonny wants to take Emma away from me and my Mother is helping him using the money I gave her.

You may be wondering what kind of person pays for their Mother to stay away but Paula Burrows has caused me so much pain and I don't want Emma to have to experience the same pain at Paula's hands.

Paula at first seems nice enough but then when you get to know her like I do, causing you to see the real her, the person that just walked out of hospital without her baby. The person that neglected and abused their child. The person that abandoned their twelve year old daughter causing her to be taken into care and become a victim of the care system. the person who enters her daughter's life dying, tricks her into giving her a kidney and then tries to abandon her again running of back to India. The person who doesn't tell either of her daughters they have a sister. The person who lies and tells her daughter that her grandfather is dead. The person who only tells her daughter of her father only once he has died.

This is the person who wanted to be part of my daughter's life. I said no and paid her off because I will never be able to forget the pain she has caused me and I never want Emma to experience the same pain at the same hands. So being the spiteful witch she is, Paula gave the money to Jonny to help him take my daughter away from me.

If I won the custody battle then Jonny would be able to see Emma whenever he wished, however if Jonny wins then I will never be able to see my daughter again, he sees me as a monster but he is so blinded be despair that he can't see through Paula's act and is unable to see that the real monster is the one he is trusting to help him. Paula would not have given him that money for nothing although he may think it is, Paula always has an ulterior motive. Knowing her she will help him win and then take Emma away.

Why is she doing this to me? Why can't she stay away and let me live my life without her poisonous impact on my life? Why does she have the ability to cause me this much pain?


	2. Chapter 2

**ok this was originaly meant to be a one shot but this chapter kept swirling around in my mind and as I didn't get to watch Holby tonight I decided to indulge myself. As always reviews are very much welcomed.**

I can't help but think that if Jonny knew what a devil Paula Burrows is, then he wouldn't trust her to help him, and maybe, just maybe, we would be able to put this whole custody battle to rest. However I've told the wrong people before and they have found a way to use my past against me and then abandon me and although the realistic part of me knows that Jonny wouldn't do that I am aware that Jonny isn't himself and even I am unable to predict his actions.

I keep thinking back to the last time I came close to opening up to Jonny, for once it wasn't me that hit the self-destruct button although it would have been easier if it was, instead it was Jonny. He threw the trust which I find so hard to give back in my face and went for an idea that he feel in love with, the idea of an easy uncomplicated life, despite there not being such a thing and got engaged to Bonnie.

I'm not blaming this mess on Jonny, quite on the contrary actually, if I had only I hadn't of been so terrified of making the same mistake twice and opened up to him earlier then we wouldn't be in this mess. If only I had told him how I felt, how I feel. Jonny knows that I need him I told him so, however I only told him I loved him once but one thing you have to know about me I if I admit my feelings then you mean a lot to me. The truth is I never stopped loving Jonny ever since the people skills course. I know somewhere deep down Jonny still loves me but he is so blinded by the grieve of losing an easy and uncomplicated life to see it.

I know that if I told Jonny about the pain Paula caused me then in his normal state of mind he would understand why I have trust and abandonment issues and he would understand why I want to be there for Emma. Unfortunately Jonny isn't in his normal state of mind, he might use my past against me in court to aid in his case and have Emma taken away from me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my daughter, I want to do what is best for her. Never seeing her parents together or not seeing one of her parents is not what will be best for her.

Should I tell Jonny about the witch?

I'm petrified of losing Emma, What should I do?


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok guys here it is the next chapter, hope you enjoy. Feel free to review they make my day.**

I've decided to tell Jonny because the past can't hurt me but taking my future away does. That's exactly what Jonny would be doing if he won this custody battle. I don't care if he uses my past against me. What I care about is doing my best for Emma, by trying to make Jonny understand and put an end to all of this I'm doing my best for Emma. There is no hiding from my past, I know that, it will always be lurking behind the door. I don't want years from now to be haunted by the what-ifs of this situation. I just hope that Jonny understands and this doesn't end in a big mess like so many other times.

* * *

I can see him sitting on a bench in the peace garden, I'm slowly approaching trying to put of this task for as long as possible. He is looking straight at me now, no backing out, you can do this, you have to do this. I take a seat beside him and take a deep breath.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next chapter thank you to all the nice people who have already reviewed. I hope you enjoy and feel free to leave a review.**

I turn and see her there ever so slowly making her way towards me. She's obviously nervous as she lightly sits on the bench beside me and takes in a sharp deep breath as I wait for her to talk.

"Jonny there is something I should have told you a long time ago about Paula Burrows." Jac starts.

"You mean your Mother" I interrupt unintentionally

"No, I don't have a mother for reasons I will explain to you. I should of told you ages ago, but as I am sure you are aware I have trust issues, it wasn't because I didn't trust you that I didn't tell you before it's just that I've told the wrong people before and been hurt by it. But now that Paula's turned up I will be hurt either way so I have to try to make you understand what Paula really is as you have enlisted her help and I hope by the time I have finished explaining this to you that you will see why I wish for Paula to be kept as far away from Emma as possible." Jac says nervously looking down at her hands.

This is the first time I have ever noticed how fragile and vulnerable Jac is and I can't help partly responsible for it as these past few weeks I've been blaming her for Bonnie's death when it was just a tragic accident. I've been blaming her by wanting sole custody of Emma. I know that Jac loves Emma very much and has her best interests at heart, I know that this custody battle is stupid and will just end with everybody getting hurt. However, I don't know how to end it, without risking the loss of Emma, I know Jac wanted me in Emma's life but she won't any more, maybe I should ask her about it after she's got what she wants off of her chest.

I reach out and lift her head up gently so that we are looking each other in the eye. "Jac, I promise that I will not use any thing you tell me in confidence to hurt you however unintentionally." I tell her and see her visibly relax a little.

"So what is it that you want to tell me about Paula Burrows?" I ask her.

"Anything and everything" She says with determination. "When Paula gave birth to be she walked out of the hospital and just left me there. She came back a few days later came back and took me home. She wouldn't feed me and I became the subject of abuse from both Paula and her various boyfriends that would take great pleasure in sexually abusing me." She tells me looking down as she admits what the sick men did to her, almost as if she could help it.

"Jac…" I begin.

"Jonny, I'm not finished, it would be easier for me if you could wait until have told you everything. Would that be alright?" Jac asks me.

Jac really must be doubting herself if she is asking if I was alright with something, usually she gives the orders and that's it.

"Of course it is, take your time" I reassure her.

"When I was twelve Paula abandoned me, left me completely on my own. I wondered what kind of mother could abandon their own child at twelve, the only reason I could think of was that there was something so fundamentally wrong with me that she couldn't bear to stay." She admits. I can see tears forming in her eyes.

I feel sorry for her I now understand why she has abandonment issues and struggles to let people in for her fear of getting hurt and being left behind. I stay quiet just like she asked me to and wait patiently for her to continue.

"I was taken into care bounced from foster home to foster home abused in various different ways depending how sick the men were." I can see her lips move but I can't hear a word. All I can think about is how broken and lost Jac is. I am broken out of my thoughts and I realise that Jac has been silent for a long time. I look at her and can see her lost in painful memories.

"Jac you don't have to continue if you don't want to." I tell her

"No I'm nearly done" She says with pure determination "four years go Paula turned up with kidney failure. I was stupid enough to believe that she would stay and we could have a second chance, so I gave her my kidney, however, Paula left as soon as she could. I was under the impression that she wasn't keeping any of her meds down so I followed her, unfortunately my incision wound was infected, I started going into septic shock, so I tried to clean it out myself in the middle of some woods. Michael came and picked me up took me to Paula, turns out she lied about my grandfather dying and I have a half-sister. I said what needed to be said then left just before I collapsed and got taken to hospital." She finished.

We sit for a while in silence before I decided to tell her what's on my mind.

"Jac, I've been meaning to tell you something too. I'm telling you this now not because of what you just told me, although it has helped, but because I know that it's not your fault Bonnie died and I want to do what's best for Emma and taking away the best mother she could possibly hope for isn't the way to go about what's best for her. What I'm trying to say is I would like very much for this custody battle to be forgotten and we to raise Emma together. No separate parenting." I tell her. "And we can give the money back to Paula, telling her to get lost." I suggest waiting for her response.


End file.
